Lifestyle

'I WAS FOOLING MYSELF'

‘Nashville’ Star Says Addiction Fueled Her Heartbreaking Custody Choice

After a harrowing childbirth experience, the actress says she struggled with postpartum depression and alcoholism.

Roosa RahkonenReporter, The Looker

PublishedMay 12, 2026, 1:34 PM EDT

UpdatedMay 12, 2026, 1:35 PM EDT

Updated May 12, 2026, 1:35 PM EDTPublished May 12, 2026, 1:34 PM EDT

Comments

A Nashville star detailed how her postpartum depression led to alcoholism.

Actress Hayden Panettiere, 36, dug deep into the health struggles that eventually led her to give up custody of her daughter in an essay titled “My Postpartum Addiction: After my daughter’s traumatic birth, alcohol was my only comfort,” published in The Cut.

“The first thing I’d thought of when I woke up was alcohol,” Panettiere wrote.

The essay was an excerpt from her upcoming memoir, This Is Me: A Reckoning, which will be released on May 19.

BABY BLUES

Pete Davidson’s Partner Explains Divisive Parenting Choice

Roosa Rahkonen

Panettiere, referring to herself as an addict in the excerpt, wrote that she began feeling anxiety after giving birth to her daughter, Kaya Klitschko, on December 9, 2014.

“I labored with Kaya for 14 hours and was in surgery for three hours after she was born,” she wrote. “My blood wouldn’t clot during my C-section, so doctors had to close the blood vessels in my uterus to prevent me from bleeding out.”

“I had seven transfusions and ran a fever the entire time,” she said.

“My uterus had become infected, and the antibiotics I’d been given during labor hadn’t been strong enough to lower my temperature. When I woke up in the recovery room, I was exhausted, disoriented, and racked with pain,” Panettiere wrote.

PROJECT NO WAY

Top Supermodel Says She Was Snubbed for Being Pregnant

Roosa Rahkonen

Panettiere felt distant from her newborn—a feeling shared by many women who have difficult childbirth experiences.

“I had always heard that mothers feel an instant rush of love the moment they lay their eyes on their baby, but I felt nothing,“ she wrote. “Kaya was just there, and now I had to figure out how to bond with her. It felt like an insurmountable task, and I was only on the first day.”

When her daughter turned four months, Panettiere recalled feeling like she “needed a drink to function.” She had developed the daily habit while shooting Nashville.

After getting home, she would spend time with her daughter, eat dinner, and call her then-fiancé, Ukrainian former professional boxer and world champion Wladimir Klitschko.

Later, she would start drinking.

“I’d drink a bottle of wine and feel the euphoria of a blanket on me like warm water, washing away all my anxiety, self-doubt, and fears,” she wrote.

Between shooting the third and fourth seasons of her ABC hit drama series, she entered an exclusive, high-end treatment center.

“Trust me, it’s easier to detox and recover when you’re being treated like a queen, but it was too far from the real world to give me perspective,” she said of her time in rehab.

“I didn’t have companions to share stories with or people who understood what I was going through. I didn’t have group therapy or 12 steps,” she added, referring to the 12-step programs widely used by Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and similar groups.

LATE PLOT TWIST

Claire Danes Recalls ‘Meltdown’ Over Getting Pregnant at 44

Roosa Rahkonen

“I left [the treatment] clean and sober, but there seemed to be no solution to my postpartum depression,” she wrote.

Panettiere returned to work, and her “debilitating” anxiety soon returned.

“To help me with my insomnia, I had meds, the really powerful kind they’d prescribed me in treatment—but they had a catch: If I didn’t take them, I couldn’t sleep. If I did, I slept too much. I’d walked into rehab addicted to one substance, and I’d walked out completely dependent on something else.”

GIRL, DUPLICATED

Angelina Jolie's 19-Year-Old Daughter Looks Just Like Mom

Roosa Rahkonen

One morning, she rested her eyes in the makeup chair and opened them again in a hospital.

As she was unable to recall the events, a nurse told her that Panettiere’s colleague found her sleeping on a sofa and was unable to wake her.

Missing an entire day of work shifted how Panettiere felt on set.

“Every day after that was a juggling act. I gave up the meds, and I went to work bloated, exhausted, and jittery. Every day, I ran home, desperate for a drink. I’d switched to vodka, thinking no one could smell it on my breath, but I was fooling myself.”

'bittersweet but beautiful'

Soccer Star’s Widow Pregnant From IVF a Year After His Death

Roosa Rahkonen

Eventually, the producers “had no choice” but to write Panettiere’s character out of the script.

“My fans and the press were hugely sympathetic—and I’ll always be grateful for that—but a part of my career I’d come to depend on suffered,“ she wrote, noting that she also lost a major beauty brand’s deal as a result of her ongoing struggle. ”Neutrogena canceled my long-standing contract, and it was yet another blow in a year that had given almost nothing else."

The turmoil had a lasting impact on the couple’s relationship, and in 2018, Panettiere and Klitschko split. Panettiere gave up custody of her daughter, who then moved to Ukraine to live with her father.

On May 11, she detailed the decision on the podcast On Purpose With Jay Shetty.

“There’s been a common misconception that I just gave up my child, when that couldn’t be farther from the truth,” she said.

Play Video

Panettiere explained that she made the hard choice based on what she felt was best for her daughter, adding, “By the time I finally got healthy, I felt it would have been unfair of me and selfish of me to try to pull her away from this life that she had created.”

'I just can't wait'

Celeb Designer, 49, Having Baby With Billionaire Heir, 34

Roosa Rahkonen

Panettiere said she and Kaya, now 11, have a great relationship, and she hopes that when Kaya gets older, she might move closer to Panettiere.

If you or a loved one is struggling with substance abuse, please reach out to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration by dialing 1-877-SAMHSA-7 or visiting samhsa.gov.

Roosa RahkonenReporter, The Looker

Got a tip? Send it to The Daily Beast.